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About 3 weeks after Joe died and
everyone had left, it was my first night alone with Joey. Joey had gone to sleep and I hit bottom, I didn't know where
to go, what to do, who to talk to, I had never felt like I was so trapped inside myself before and then I sat down on the
end of my bed and screamed to God, "That's it, I can't do this, it's all You!" I knew that I had to go on for Joe and
Joey and Sherry and myself, but how. But when I gave it to God, it became easier, he delivered.
I had emailed my old best friend Barb a couple days before hoping
by some miracle that her email address was still the same, we hadn't talked for years since I moved from Iowa. I just
told her that if this was still her email, that I really needed to talk to her, it was just a feeling and something big had
happened.
I checked my email after giving it all to God and there was an email
from her, as I read it aloud to my sister, because I couldn't quite comprehend what I was reading, but here she was telling
me that her husband had died in a car accident six months before. God gave her back to me, so she could help me, and
I hope for me to help her as well.
Well, I called her right away, and the next day we talked for 8 hours
straight, she understood all of my feelings like no one else really could. It was such a relief to hear someone finishing
my sentences when I was talking about how much it hurt and what it felt like, to have everything that you know gone
in a split second.
I truly believe that God and Joe sent her back into my life, I call
her my angel.
Ever since we have been close, closer than I could've imagined. She
is my best friend and we both believe we must be long lost sisters. She has been amazing with Joey, he has a special
connection with her as well. I wouldn't have believed before that there would be someone that could have gotten me through
this and understood as completely as she does besides God Himself.
Thank you Lord and Joe!
I'm doing better than I thought today.
Managed to get up and go to church, forgot to take my xanax though, Huge mistake.
Anyway, it's been a series of ups and downs. Up at church, down when I drove by the crash site.
I catch myself thinking about what Joe and I were doing at this time or that, like right now Joe
was probably taking a smoke break at work and I was just getting off work, getting ready to go to my mom's. Not knowing
either of us what the next few hours had in store.
After being at my mom's she took us to McDonalds, I remember that someone asked her what time it
was and she said 6:05, I decided I would treat everyone to Sundaes so we sat and ate Sundaes at McDs. I found out later
that Joe's accident was at 6:05.
After I got back to mom's is when the messages were waiting for me, and then my world went into this
surreal freaky unbearable weirdness. I wondered for weeks how people could be out bbq ing and playing in their pools
and continuing on with life when for me I felt that the world was off it's axis and everyone should have stopped for a bit.
But it continued, and here I am, in this new life and how different it is from what I thought it would be at this time.
I'll be posting all day.
I hope you all read it.
I feel like sharing.
Love,
Jennie
IT'S FUNNY
Current mood: depressed
IT'S FUNNY
ALL THE WAY UP TO THE FUNERAL, THERE WAS SWARMS OF PEOPLE THERE FOR ME, THEN SLOWLY MOST OF THEM
WENT ON WITH THEIR LIVES AND IT'S HARD TO WATCH BECAUSE IT'S ALL SO CLEAR STILL TO ME.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN MY LIFE AND I HAVE MOVED ON TOO, BUT THE ACCIDENT EVERYTHING AFTER ALL THE
WAY TILL NOW ARE SO FRESH AND CLEAR AND AWE-INSPIRING THAT I STILL SLIP BACK TO THAT DAY OR THAT WEEK. I REMEMBER THINKING
OF JOEY FIRST, HOW WAS I GOING TO EXPLAIN DEATH AND HEAVEN TO A CHILD THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND NON PHYSICAL CONCEPTS.
HOW WOULD HE UNDERSTAND THAT DADDY DIDN'T JUST LEAVE HIM.
I STILL THINK ABOUT THAT.....I DON'T KNOW, HE FEELS AND KNOWS MORE THAN I THINK OR THAN HE CAN TELL
ME.
I WORRY SO MUCH, MOSTLY FOR HIM, BUT HE LOVES SHAWN AND CALLS HIM PAPA SHAWN, HE KNOWS HE LOVES HIM
AND HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY HE'LL UNDERSTAND THAT DADDY DID TOO AND HE DIDN'T PLAN TO LEAVE HIM AND THAT HE IS STILL THERE FOR HIM.
I HAVE TO BE HIS MEMORIES.
WHAT A JOB I HAVE IN THE YEARS AHEAD...
NOUGH FOR NOW...
LOVE,
JEN
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THIS YEAR HAS BEEN SO DIFFERENT THAN I EXPECTED, IT'S BEEN HARD, SAD, HAPPY, ENLIGHTENING,
LIFE BUILDING, FAITH BUILDING, CHALLENGING, YET REWARDING.
THERE'S SO MUCH TO TELL AND I COULD FILL UP A ZILLION PAGES WITH ALL MY THOUGHTS.
I'M JUST GOING TO TELL SOME OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT THINGS AND THEN I'LL ENTER SOME
OF MY BLOG LISTINGS, AND FEELINGS FROM THE ANNIVERSARY DATE.
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AFTER JOE DIED, I WAS IN A TAILSPIN FOR A
WHILE AS WOULD BE EXPECTED. HURRICANE KATRINA STRUCK RIGHT AFTER THE FUNERAL.
THE FUNERAL WAS THE WAY JOE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT. HE ALWAYS SAID HE
WANTED GRATEFUL DEAD PLAYED AT HIS FUNERAL SO THAT'S WHAT I DID. WE ALL WORE SPORTS JERSEYS IN HONOR OF JOE'S LOVE FOR
ALL SPORTS. I HAD HIM DRESSED IN HIS LUCKY STEELERS JERSEY AND COVERED HIM WITH HIS STEELERS BLANKET, KISSED HIM GOODBYE,
PROMISED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILDREN AND THEY ALLOWED ME TO CLOSE THE CASKET.
DURING THE SERVICE, THOSE THAT LOVED JOE WERE INVITED TO SPEAK, AND WE HEARD
SOME GREAT STORIES, WE HEARD OF GREAT LOVE FOR HIM, AND GREAT RESPECT. THERE WAS CRYING, BUT THERE WAS ALSO LAUGHTER.
SO MANY PEOPLE WERE THERE, IT WAS AMAZING THAT JOE COULD MEET SOMEONE ONCE
AND HAVE SUCH AN IMPACT ON THEIR LIVES.
I WAS SO PROUD OF HOW MANY PEOPLE CARED AND LOVED HIM AND CAME TO SEE HIM
OFF.
LUCKY FOR ME HIS SON HAS THE SAME GIFT.
THE TOUGHEST PART OF THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE
WAS JOEY. WITH HIS AUTISM HE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND NON PHYSICAL CONCEPTS, HE SEES AND UNDERSTANDS IN PICTURES.
IT TOOK ME AWHILE OF SHIELDING HIM FROM AND MAKING SURE I DIDNT SAY DADDY IN FRONT OF HIM TO FINALLY REALIZE I HAD TO TELL
HIM SOMETHING. I TOOK HIM TO THE GRAVESIDE AND TOLD HIM THAT DADDY HAD TO GO LIVE WITH JESUS AND COULDN'T LIVE WITH US ANYMORE.
WE HAD TALKED ABOUT JESUS BEFORE AND IT WAS WEIRD, BUT HE ACTUALLY SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND, HE PUT HIS LITTLE ARM AROUND MY NECK
AND JUST SAT THERE WITH ME FOR AWHILE AND THEN GOT UP SAID BYE BYE DADDY AND TOOK MY HAND AND WALKED TO THE CAR. IT
PERPLEXES ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON HIS HEAD SOMETIMES, AND I HAVE NO IDEA EVEN THEN WHAT HE WAS THINKING,
BUT I ALSO KNEW HE WOULD BE OK.
IT DOES HURT TO THINK THAT HE WON'T REMEMBER, I WILL MAKE SURE HE DOES, BUT STILL HIS OWN
MEMORIES PROBABLY WON'T BE THERE.
I REMEMBER AFTER JOE'S BACK SURGERY JOEY'S FACE WHEN HE GOT OFF THE BUS AND SAW DADDY STANDING
ON THE PORCH AFTER A WEEK IN THE HOSPITAL, I WISHED FOR SO LONG AFTER JOE DIED THAT I COULD SEE THAT LOOK AGAIN, AND EVEN
DREAMED ABOUT IT HAPPENING.
RIGHT NOW HE'S HIDING PICTURES OF JOE, IN HIS SECRET CLOSET PLACE WHERE HE PUTS THE TOYS
THAT SCARE HIM OR THINGS HE JUST DOESNT WANT AROUND, I HOPE SOMEDAY HE REALLY REALLY CAN UNDERSTAND, I STILL DON'T EVEN.
BUT JOEY IS DOING GREAT AND I KNOW JOE HAS A HAND IN THAT AS WELL, HE HAS PROGRESSED SO
MUCH SO FAST AND IS NOW IN KINDERGARTEN AND I HAVE TAKEN ON THE ROLL OF HIS ADVOCATE AND THAT IS A FULL TIME JOB, WHEN I GO
INTO A SITUATION THAT I NEED TO MAKE SURE JOEY IS GIVEN HIS RIGHTS, I PRAY TO GOD AND ASK JOE TO BE THERE WITH ME
AND I AM STRONG, AND ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS THAT I AM NOT TYPICALLY A STRONG PERSON, I GET MY STRENGTH AS I NEED IT FROM GOD
AND KNOWING THAT JOE IS WITH ME AND I BELIEVE THAT IS THE SAME FOR JOEY.
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TOMORROW, IS ONE YEAR SINCE JOE'S ACCIDENT.
I'M KIND OF HAVING A BIT OF A HARD TIME IMAGINING HOW
IT WILL BE.
AS OF TOMORROW NIGHT I WILL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GO THROUGH CHRISTMAS BIRTHDAYS THANKSGIVING EASTER,
I WILL KNOW HOW IT IS TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR WITHOUT JOE, AND AM NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE THOUGHT OF WHAT TOMORROW
WILL BE LIKE.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL A POEM AND ENCOURAGE YOU TO REMIND JOE HOW MUCH WE LOVED HIM AND HOW GRATEFUL
WE CAN BE NOW THAT HE HAS SO MUCH MORE POWER THAN HE HAD BEFORE.
HERE'S A POEM I FOUND THAT I BELIEVE WE ALL
NEED TO LIVE AND REMEMBER BECAUSE HONESTLY WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TOMORROW HOLDS FOR US....
ON THIS DAY...
MEND
A QUARREL
SEARCH OUT A FORGOTTEN
FRIEND
DISMISS
A SUSPICION AND REPLACE IT WITH TRUST
WRITE A LETTER TO SOMEONE WHO MISSES YOU
ENCOURAGE A YOUTH WHO
HAS LOST FAITH
KEEP A PROMISE
FORGET AN OLD GRUDGE
EXAMINE YOUR DEMANDS ON OTHERS AND VOW TO REDUCE THEM
FIGHT
FOR A PRINCIPLE
EXPRESS GRATITUDE
OVERCOME AN OLD FEAR
TAKE TWO MINUTES TO APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY OF NATURE
TELL
SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM
TELL THEM AGAIN,
AND AGAIN,
AND AGAIN.
-FRANK R. ZELARNEY
I DON'T
KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO FEEL TOMORROW, HECK I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL NOW.
I HONESTLY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT THAT I LOVE YOU ALL AND I LOVE THAT YOU LOVED JOE AND ME AND JOEY.
THANK YOU IS ALL
I CAN SAY
LOVE
JENNIE
The saddest part of this is that there has
been a lot of people that said things at the funeral, I believe out of guilt, but have since disappeared or every once in
a while showed up with a little show, I believe self serving. But have hid out from it all and from us. They swore
they would be there and wanted relationships and all, but it was I believe out of self service and making themselves feel
less guilty for the things they have or haven't done. Some are oblivious, and some invisible.
But hey, that's the way it is and that's the way you find out the true character
of people no matter what they may say. Some of them have flat out lied to me at the side of my husbands grave and even
since. I'm not dumb. If these intermediate selfish gestures make them feel better great, but they are shallow
when they dont come out of love and humility and for God. And I will protect Joey, Sherry, and myself from as much pain
as possible. I am also very honest, and will not be snowed, walked over, or anything. I will also pray for those
people. Joe and I took advantage of every moment we could, we knew there isn't always a tomorrow, so.....I'll let that
go for now and just keep praying for them.
There are also those that have stepped up above and beyond to help.
They helped with all sorts of things, and emotional support has been the biggest, they are the people whose love for God has
made them want to help.
Joey and I have lost a lot but we have also gained. I know I've learned
that people we may not even know or remember can be the biggest influences on our lives and also our biggest heroes.
We all should remember that.
Love is not just words it's action and that's how I know who's who in this
big ole world.
And Joey will too, and I'm hoping that Sherry will get that soon, before
it's too late.
Thank you to those that have loved us truly.
THE END OF THE LAST DAY OF THE FIRST
YEAR WITHOUT JOE
MAN, I'M TIRED AND DRAINED AND RELIEVED,
THE DAY IS OVER THE LAST DAY OF THE FIRST YEAR WITHOUT JOE, SHAWN AND I WATCHED VIDEOS OF JOEY AND
JOE THE WHOLE FAMILY AND THINGS SEEMED SO EASY THEN.
I GOT TO HEAR HIS LAUGH AND LAUGH WITH HIM, I GOT TO HEAR HIS DUMB LITTLE JOKES, I SAW SO MANY THINGS
I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT, I GOT TO SEE HIM PLAY WITH JOEY AND SO MUCH MORE.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING BUT I DO KNOW THAT I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER AND CHERISH EVERY
SECOND, EVERY LAUGH, EVERY GIGGLE, EVERY LITTLE INSIDE JOKE, EVERY FUNNY LITTLE LOOK.
ALL THE LITTLE STUFF IS THE STUFF WE FORGET BUT IS THE MOST REWARDING AND RENEWING.
LOOK BACK AND TRY TO REMEMBER ALL THOSE THINGS, ALL OF THEM ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT SEEM INSIGNIGICANT,
THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT I SAW TODAY THAT MADE ME REMEMBER AND FEEL AND THE ONES THAT I WILL SHOW MY SON SO HE WILL REMEMBER
WHO HIS DADDY WAS AND THE BEST PART IS THAT I KNOW THAT PAPA SHAWN WILL BE RIGHT THERE WITH ME, MAKING SURE HE KNOW.
I LOVE YOU JOE, YOU CHANGED ME, YOU FED ME, YOU HELPED ME BECOME WHO I AM, AND MOST OF ALL YOU GAVE
ME JOEY AND GAVE ME YOURSELF IN HIM. I KNOW THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME AND JOEY AND WILL PROTECT AND WORKING UP
THERE WITH GOD, I WILL NOT FAIL, I CAN'T!!!!
THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU,
LOVE,
"ALWAYS AND FOREVER"
YOUR JEN
Sherry has had a really rough time,
I swore to her that I would still be there for her, theres really no one else that has stayed and been there through the good
and the bad.
Her real mom deserted her, her dad died, and I won't even go into
the rest, if you're reading this you know who you are. I made a promise to Joe to do everything I could to help her
and it's been tough, she's mentally ill and doesn't have a lot of faith and hope. She gives up easily. At this
point all I can do is let her know that no matter what happens, she still has a Mom and I love her very much, no matter her
faults. I believe it will still be a long road for her and hopefully eventually she will have the strength to stick
through the fight and make it. Joe and I want all her dreams to come true and I'll do my best to help her prove to everyone
that she can do it.
I know she can and she will.
I love you Sherry
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