HI HI,
I just wanted to let anyone reading these poems know a few thing. I have been through some really traumatic times just like many people and to us, no matter what it is, it's huge. I've never looked for pity but have tried very hard to get trust and understanding. My head and my heart are commonly in two diffrent places. Some of these poems are from my darkest days, and some from my brightest. I will try to give a brief description. This is my way of venting, my way of feeling, and my way of focusing my feelings. My goal with some of these poems is to let others know that many of us feel the same way but are just hiding it or holding it in. The pain is real, even if it's emotional or mental. I've learned that something we think is just in our head can definitely cause physical pain. So enjoy, learn, feel, and most of all love.
ONE WORD
by Jennifer Lynn Lawson
8-22-08
I have always known deep in my heart that all of my true self will be open and life will be magic when I hear
One Word
I wait for that word
One word that will save me from the fake life I live
One word that will bring me into the light
One word that will make me realize that I am deserving
One word that will mean all is as it should be
One word that will prove to me that I am safe
One word that will make all my dreams come true
One word that will take away all the fear
One word that will make me love myself again
One word that will allow me to let go of the lies
One word that will free all of the past
One word that will lead me into the future
One word that will allow me to enter my life
One word that will ask me to enter yours
One word that will tell me that you need me
One word that will tell me that you love me
One word that will tell me you want me
One word to show me my love isn't wasted
One word that will give you to me
I wait for it and crave it, every second I'm with you I beg for it.
Will it be the last word you'll say before drifting into sleep?
Will it be the last word you say before walking away?
Will it be the last word before you you leave,
Will it be the last word you type or say before you run?
I know that word exists, I don't know what the word is, but I've known all my life it exists. I feel it in my heart and I need desperately to hear it to know it's real.
Just say it, tell me, show me, prove to me-
I beg you to say the word that will forever banish the emptiness that is always left when you go away, when you aren't with me, when you don't seem to need me, when I'm staring at and feeling the sting of the last word that holds on for hours that wasn't the one I'm so desperate for.
One word
Please say it, one word, the one word that will finally set us free and make us real and true.
One word
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN...
BY Jennifer Lynn Lawson
8-22-08
What happens when you close your eyes and sleep is just out of reach.
When all is quiet and dark and the air is filled with the dreams of the weary
What happens when there is no one to hear the cries and the pleas for rest
When you've searched and hoped and begged and waited for freedom for so long
What happens when you know that in the light your open eyes will reveal the truth
When you are reminded that nothing has changed, no knight has come, no holes have been filled
What happens when all is stripped away and the only thing within reach is yourself
When you have to rely on the one that has failed you over and over again and again
What happens when you can only try to find inside yourself what led you before
When you are left with just you and your mind and the unyielding memories of pain
What happens when the doors are closed to that place of safety and calm
When you reach and in its place nothing is there but the hole in time and space
What happens when your imagination can no longer create a place for dreams and wishes
When all of the tales that kept you looking are no longer waiting for you
What happens when the quiet is so heavy that you can't move under it's weight
When reality overtakes all of the places that hope once had control over
What happens when you accept that the darkness, silence, and fear win
When all you ever knew was going to be there for you is revealed as false
What happens when you have no more left to give and no more left to take
When you become a shell like so many others of what could have been,
what should have been,
what never was,
and it seems
was never meant to be
BATTLE
by Jennifer Lynn Lawson
8-22-08
When I finally decide to close my eyes and battle the thoughts of pain and hurt that try to steal sleep from me
I'm always aware that I am not alone
On one side of me lies hope, the hope that dreams with me and has a permanent residence in the back of my mind,
that teases me with glimpses of magic and safety I long for
On the other side lies doubt, the doubt that is awake with me throughout the day, that keeps me grounded and warns me not to expect the beauty and warmth I want so badly
On the edge of battle they wait and I am the battleground, which will give in first, which will surrender
both experience, strength and stamina, far more the me
If hope succeeds-how many times will I be hurt
If doubt wins-then what will I fail to try
Every night, every hour, every minute, ever second the enemies pull each other back and forth and back and forth
Somewhere deep in the night, waiting silently, feasting on the ignorance of the two, growing and planning its victory, always a master of disguise and skilled at the game
Fear knows exactly when and how to let go and then to take you back again.
Fear controls all of the hope, Fear controls all of the doubt
Soon they both must bow to it's crown and accept defeat
but yet each night they take what they've fed on throughout the day and use it once again to try and gain control of me only to succumb inevitably to the power of the master, Fear
Forever
February '87
Then;
I saw you
I loved you
Now;
I have a chance
Too late
Forever;
Still
I love you
Only In My Dreams
January '86
Only in my dreams have we strolled across the sand
Only in my dreams have I felt the warmth of your hand
Only in my dreams have I held you in my arms
Only in my dreams have I felt so far from harm
Only in my dreams have I touched your tender face
Only in my dreams have I felt your warm embrace
Only in my dreams have I held your hand in mine
Only in my dreams have I stood so still in time
Only in my dreams
You Can
May '86
Sometimes I feel as if no one really cares, then I look around and see you standing there...
You ask if you can help...you can.
When my day has gone really bad,
you're always the first to notice I'm sad...
Always asking if you can help...you can.
When everything seems to have gone wrong,
you always seem to come along...
Asking if you can help...you can.
Last Night
November '86
As I lift my head from my tearstained pillow, I think about the night before,
and how I tried so hard to tell you-
I felt our friendship was so much more.
I have always had trouble putting my feelings into words, I'm not quite sure what to do,
I hope that one day I'll awaken and find your feelings for me as strong as mine for you.
Last night, with you, I tried to form the words, but I couldn't be sure to get rejection or love,
All I could do was listen to the sad songs and make wishes on the stars above.
I sat and wondered does your heart belong to someone else or could it someday be mine,This is the only way to tell you that I've loved you for such a long time.
